love thy neighbor

But the stranger that dwells with you shall be to you as one born among you, and you shall love him as yourself; for you were strangers in the land of Egypt. I am the LORD your God. - Leviticus 19:34

They say that good fences make good neighbors, don't they? I was thinking about this today.

We haven't moved into our new place yet, but we go there about once a week to check on things and do our laundry (since the w/d where we currently live is broken.) A month or so ago it became apparent that someone from the next walk-up over was using our washing machine, dryer, and clothesline. Our HECO bill increased, and so did our animosity toward our soon-to-be neighbors. We never witnessed them using our w/d (and the teacher in me says, "Then how are you sure they're guilty?") but my cousin, who lives upstairs, kept an eye on things, and there would occasionally be a bunch of their laundry hanging from the lines. It would disappear quickly after we arrived. Eventually, we tacked a sign to the washer lid that said something like:

Please do not use this washer or dryer. Like you, we work hard to pay our bills, and it is not fair to expect others to shoulder your energy costs in addition to our own. We have notified HPD that someone is using our property without our authorization. We will not hesitate to report any and all criminal activity. Thank you.

We also started turning off the power to the appliances when we left for the week. The neighbors continued to hang their clothes on our line, but at least we were no longer paying for their washing or drying. And we never saw them.

Today, I went over to do a load of laundry, and I finally met the neighbor. When I swung the back door open, I could see that the lines were full, from one end to the other. I was immediately indignant. The neighbor looked up from hanging her clothes.

Me: "Hi."

Neighbor: "Hi. Are you going to wash clothes?"

Me, stuffing things into the washer, totally irritated, because what else would I be doing?: "Yes."

Neighbor: "Okay, I dry my things then." (Translation: "I will put my things in the dryer at my own building.") She starts taking her clothes off the line.

Me: "Okay."

I finished loading my washer, while she shouted to someone in her building. I started to hang some laundry on what little room there was left on the lines. Her daughter came out to help her take some clothes in.

When I saw that I would have enough room to hang the rest of my things, I told her she could leave the rest of her laundry hanging where it was.

Neighbor: "Oh, thank you. Are you sure you have enough room?"

Me: "Yes, it's fine."

Neighbor: "I will move my things to the back." (Translation: "I will move my things to the two unoccupied lines no one likes to use because the ground is uneven and you have to tippy-toe in order to reach.")

Me, searching the line for unused clothespins (totally in vain because earlier I got mad that they were using our stuff and put all the clothespins in a bag and locked them in the house): "No, leave them. It's okay."

Neighbor: "Here." She gives me a heaping handful of clothespins from her bucket.

Me: "Thank you."

Neighbor: "You lucky you guys have clothes line. We only have dryer. I put my daughter's bras in the dryer, they stretch out, break."

Me: "That sucks. You should get one of these" (pointing to the other neighbor's lingerie hanger).

Neighbor: "You are the owner's daughter?"

Me: "Yes."

So ... we did our laundry and chatted on. She's from Palau. She's a widow. She lives with her daughter and her daughter's daughters. They've had their share of misfortunes. They've lived next door for six months. So on and so forth. I told them about us, just the basics. She thanked me again and went back inside.

And I thought to myself, "Cub is going to kill me."

My sweet Cub is not very sweet when it comes to things like this. One of the reasons I married him is that he is so very opinionated about what is wrong and what is right. For example, he chewed me out for wanting to take a job as a restaurant review blogger because the faceless people offering the "job" mentioned that as long as I posted a variety of well-written "reviews," I didn't necessarily have to *eat* at the restaurants I was "reviewing." Nevermind that the "job" paid peanuts and was really more an entertaining way to spend my time than a way to make money. For Cub, taking or using things that do not belong to you (especially without asking) is wronger than wrong. He has no patience for this neighbor issue. There's been a lot of talk about what we were going to do or say about it when we met the actual neighbor.

My do-not-use-our-washer note aside, I take a noblesse oblige approach to many issues, including the homeless and their tents in the parks, students coming to school without their school supplies, etc. I got a lot out of my years at Maryknoll, but the most important - which I never gave much thought to until long after I graduated - is our motto, Much is expected of those to whom much is given.

But as I drove away with our laundry and thought about how mad Cub was going to be that my actions today pretty much said, "Hi, mi clothesline es su clothesline," I realized that this is different from noblesse oblige. This is about the complexities of being a good neighbor. Most rational people would agree that it is totally reasonable to ask/tell an overstepping neighbor to quit using your stuff. Isn't it equally as reasonable to let your neighbor use something of yours while you yourself aren't using it?

Some things to consider: 1) Neighbor knows that it is not her clothesline. 2) Neighbor would probably still be using our w/d if we hadn't begun turning off the power. 3) She mentioned my dad, who is the most generous man on earth, with his time and talents, and perhaps assumed that I share his greathearted nature. 4) We don't know how long we're going to live there. Our objective is to save money, so we could be there for a good long time. 5) From my limited experiences working with Pacific Islander children and their families, I've learned that many are cultures of sharing - communities sharing property, the responsibility of raising children, etc. Could it be just as important for us to consider that, as it is for Pacific Islander families to learn that it is not acceptable to use someone else's appliances when they're not home?

I've already been met with a) "Well, they're here, you're not in Palau," and b) "Now you've fed the cat, and it's not going to leave you alone." I think a) is irrelevant to this particular issue and b) is offensive.

My thoughts:

We can't pay for another family's washing and drying (so, realistically, we probably still have to turn off the power to the w/d when we're gone), but we can spare the clotheslines when we're not using them. My friend Kristi suggested we help them put up a clothesline on their property, or asking their landlord to do it, which are good suggestions, but they don't address the neighbor issue. On the one hand, they say that a good neighbor smiles at you over a fence but never crosses it - and on the other, as Christians, we're called to do a lot more than smile at someone over a fence. If good fences make good neighbors, we're at a loss here, because there is no fence between the properties. I think I'm doing the right thing, but the majority think I'm doing the stupid thing.

Leave your thoughts in the comments, please.