ex-ex-extravaganza - EDIT

It's the third day of the third month of my thirtieth year. I expected 30 to be full of days where I just felt OLD, but ... I don't. I think it has to do with all the new beginnings I'm facing, as well as the lifestyle changes I've made. Don't get me wrong, if I could climb aboard a time machine and re-visit, say, 19, I'd be there. Nineteen was fun.

Was going through old "Re-Visions" (which back then, I believe, were referred to as "Scrambles") and came across some fun Top 5 Collab-type entries inspired by good friends, coworkers, and fellow journalers Bert and Ernie. There was one on Top 5 Favorite Books (which also needs updating), Top 5 Sexiest People I Know (please pardon my youth), and of course the Top 5 breakup thing I already linked.

Catty caveat:

If, by the way, you're a friend, or even one of those people who reads this blog because I'm a random, semi-interesting stranger (shout-outs to Brian, Alakea, Mama, Columbus OH, Jellie, MVCali, and Frank), please, for your own sanity DON'T go rooting through my hawaii.edu journal beyond the links I just provided. It is a poorly-formatted collection of overly-self-confident ramblings from my college days, and it will give you a serious migraine. If, however, you're a bored, paranoid stalker SO unsatisfied with your relationship and life in general that you have to Google your boyfriend's pseudonyms (oh, look it up in a dictionary) in combination with mine, and then skulk around this site MULTIPLE TIMES DAILY to make sure no one's running around with him, please call or e-mail me. Obviously you want to find out some things about me, so let's talk.

The other day, Facebook, theknot.com, and my own three-inch ring binder planner reminded me that there are four measly months to go before the wedding. FOUR! Before bed last night (or maybe it was before he left for work this morning, while I was still half-asleep) we agreed that we'd both be so cool without all this hoopla. But the die is cast, so here we are, shopping for glue guns and selecting fonts.

The greatest thing about this whole marriage deal? No more breakups. Gotta love that. In honor of this, my updated version of the list.

Damned_Cat's Top 5 Most Memorable Breakups

5) It's a recent one, very fresh. With this ex, there are days I want to go back to what we had, although not as often as before. It's really difficult to split when you've been on-again-off-again for years. Everytime I see my ex (for instance, at my mom's, or we'll run into each other at the gas station) it's so awkward, mostly because of the lingering feelings of desire I have. Sometimes I see my ex at parties (we still have a lot of the same friends) and the feeling I get is overwhelming. I want to dive back into that life, take my ex in my arms, and just sneak off somewhere so we can make up for lost time. Yes, sometimes I still feel acute pain and feelings of withdrawal from the loss of ... soda.

By the way, the 5th of Oct. was the three-month anniversary of our breakup. Woo!

4) Okay, seriously, only two breakups I've been through would fall into the Memorable category. One is the one I wouldn't talk about in 2001. But since I can now call my then-self a silly kid, I can now blog it. He was a wonderful boyfriend - but my family and friends thought very little of him, and vice versa. (He did not put his best foot forward in public.) He was funny and sweet, and his inner six-year-old suited mine perfectly. However, 1) I was four years younger than him and 2) I eventually met someone fantastic who ultimately swept me into another world entirely. The breakup was memorable because it lasted several years. If it weren't for crazy stalker girlfriends of ex-boyfriends reading this blog, I'd link my trainwreck xanga from those years because the sweetness and pain of that prolonged brekaup translated into pure poetry. O well.

3) The one who swept me is of course the other Memorable breakup story: E. The relationship was memorable, but this isn't about relationships so I will stick to the breakup - as in, the One Day it really, finally, completely ended. Our friendship, all ties, everything. It was November '06, and I had been seeing S. for about four months. It had been simple and casual till then; he wanted more but was waiting very patiently and giving me a lot of space. And we were having a great time. That day, we were hiking, and talking, and getting to know each other better, and something in me just clicked. It finally hit me that this was a good person, that I should give it a real chance and stop keeping him at arm's length. But in order to do that, I had to end things with E. We were already very broken up, had been since 2004, but as many people experience, staying friends afterwards can seriously hinder one's ability to move on. And our relationship was like no other, so this extrication of feelings and friendship and whatever else had to be untangled and laid to rest, was difficult. To say the least. I did it over the phone because I wanted it to be final, and to finalize things, we could not be looking at each other. It was the only breakup I ever had that resulted in a complete severance of contact. We haven't spoken since.

2) This one goes hand-in-hand with #5. It's my breakup with the vice known as General Sloth. I still like a good sleep-till-noon day here and there (though truthfully I can't remember the last time the fiance or the dog allowed this), but for the most part, indolence has been banished from my life. I blame/credit S., at least partially. The man can't sit still. He couldn't stay home all Saturday if you paid him in money or chocolate chip cookies. Although I haven't yet completely absorbed his love of the outdoors, I love it a lot more than I did before. We're still working on the ocean thing, though. Do I miss General Sloth? Not really. He was a good cuddler but when I asked if my jeans made me look fat, the answer was always "Yes."

1) Not really a breakup, but it involves sort-of leaving people I love: moving out. Yes, it was over two years ago. No, I wouldn't move back into my parents' house if you paid me (in money or chocolate chip cookies). Yes, I miss being able to walk into my parents' bedroom and watch TV and talk to my mom at the drop of a hat. No, there's nothing quite like the relief and satisfaction of ending the day by turning the key and letting myself in to space that belongs to the adult me. Yes, I might always miss the space that the child me grew up in. And yes, I want to create the same kind of feeling in our home for our own children.

Whew. That was long, and I'm sorry. Time for lunchy.