During a short break in a verbal catfight I once had (back in college), I asked my opponent in total exasperation why she had never liked me. It seemed a reasonable thing to ask, as I seriously didn't know. She never answered, except to say, "I can think of a shit ton of reasons why lots of people wouldn't like you." This popped into my head today while I thought about unflattering aspects of my being that I could send to postsecret. Well, I couldn't come up with a shit ton (and I'm not posting what I'd send to postsecret), but here are the top five (as-assessed-by-me) entries on the List of Unlikable Things about Ms. D_C:

1. I procrastinate.

Me and deadlines are like ... I'm too tired to concoct a snazzy analogy for me and deadlines, but think of two things that don't coexist, and there you go. I've actually gotten a lot better at turning stuff in on time, and I think this has something to do with my two most recent GL partners. They are extremely organized and as soon as something's assigned, they're on it. It's finally rubbing off. But I still arrive an average of 10-15 minutes late to any given function. Hint: If you've been asking me to clean something for weeks, the way to get it done in the next five minutes is to tell me to do my taxes or sort my laundry. The disadvantage to this method is that something is always waiting in the wings.

2. I don't interrupt other people's conversations to say hello.

I list this one because it seems to be the reason some of my coworkers dislike me. If I see two people talking, I smile in their general direction, and possibly wave, as I pass. If they stop talking to each other to say hi to me, I certainly answer, but I don't insinuate a hello because that would require me to talk over and interrupt their conversation. Apparently this makes me a snob. Oh well.

3. I am not registered to vote, and I lie to my 5th graders about this year after year.

I teach American History with an emphasis on the Revolutionary War. In fact, we just finished shouting "NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION" a week ago. Although our state standards don't "allow" me to delve with passion into the Constitution, I sneak it in anyway, and in election years we participate in the state Kids Voting program. There is a big, fat, faded student-made poster on my door that says "VOTE" with 25 handwritten reasons why the kids from that graduating year will vote when they turn 18 (or so they said when they were my 10-year-old students.) I press it on them, I talk it up, I lie and tell them I vote with enthusiasm. I could make up something lame like ever since I found out the popular vote doesn't actually determine the election winner (and seriously, I don't understand the need for an electoral college, and seriously, would Al Gore not have been such a better president? Would a frozen banana dipped in chocolate and sprinkled with nuts not have been such a better president?), I have refused to cast a vote, but that's just not true, and I can't dash their faith in democracy at such a young age, so I just lie. P.S. The reason I've never voted is somewhere between apathy and laziness. So very not profound. And so very unbecoming of a 5th grade teacher.

4. Sometimes I dislike my puppy and fantasize about what life would be like if I had decided to buy a handbag that day instead of a dog.

5. I can't think of anything worse than #4. I'm going to go home and hang my head in shame.

*** Since Dan says having a Top 4 list is cheating ***

Real 5. I am bad at saying "no."

This makes people like me a lot - up front. Further on down the road, however, it screws everyone up. Things I have said yes to and later regretted because I knew I should have said no but just, for whatever reason, couldn't: "Will you babysit my two horrible children three days a week from 5:30 to 10 p.m. and some weekends for 8 bucks an hour?" "Will you serve on three committees and then sit there while I yell at you for doing your job?" "Will you go out with me this weekend even though you already have a boyfriend?" and "Will you drive me to the airport, house-sit, take 24/7 care of my two pre-adolescent daughters, watch the cats, and paint my kid's bedroom while I house-hunt on the East Coast?" Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. When things fall apart, people don't like you. No matter how outrageous their request was in the first place, you'll always be the one who dropped the ball. So, I got sick of the horrible children and crappy pay, the relationship was doomed, I didn't paint the bedroom, just to name a few things that fell apart.

Was that a good enough #5? :P


Jenny said...

I'm much more shocked by #3 than #4. Everyone wonders what their lives would be like if they didn't have the responsibilities (pets, children, aging parents, etc) that they have. One can't help but want the freedom to indulge in all desires.

And, I'm totally with you on #2.

damned_cat said...

i know. #3 is horrid. i keep thinking that seeing it typed out or saying it aloud will shock me into registering but so far all i've ever done with my day off from school is grade papers.

Dan said...

#1. dang near everyone procrastinates, it's not a flaw it's a lifestyle. if it works, who's to say it's a bad thing?
#2. that's polite.
#3. i refer to south park episode: douchebag or turd sandwich. it doesn't matter, it's not the president or governor or whatever that leads; it's the events of the world.
#4. rest assured, in some parallel universe you did buy that handbag instead of the puppy and you're wondering if you should've gotten a puppy instead of the handbag.
#5. that really isn't a thing now is it? you only thought of 4 things but it is doesn't fall into tradition of lists ending if 5 or 10 so you just made it up.

as far as those postsecret-things go, you're all talk and no action. see, that could be your #5!

Anonymous said...

I'll take Kona to Oregon with me.
You can have my Coach bag I bought that day.

NO, I take that back...you can't have the bag.
But I'll still take The Bean.