he said she said

Be sure not to miss the condom caper (a.k.a. one of the reasons I became a teacher in the first place.) But in the meantime ... Bold Statements fowarded to me by my boyfriend. I added a response to each. Fortunately I have a sense of humor or tonight he would be "camping."

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

Who asked you to read our minds? It’s hard enough for you to read a shopping list.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Probably too busy complaining about all the other sh*t you have to do around the house, like turning off the water after you shower and throwing away your Kleenex after you use it.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Who’s gonna argue with getting one day a week off?

1. Crying is blackmail.

Then stop crying like a little bitch.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Really? How about “What do you feel like eating for dinner?” or “Where’s the remote control?”

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

So that’s what you think girlfriends are for. P.S. Seventy-five percent of the time, your unsolicited “help” would screw us even worse if we weren’t adept at ignoring your crappy advice.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

I’m trying to remember anything you said six months ago.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

We already know this one. If we could count on you to do things the way we wanted, we wouldn’t own vibrators.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Sure, in exchange for “please watch sports silently.”

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

Christopher Columbus was an asshole who ended up thousands of miles from where he was supposed to go. Most chicks don’t dig guys who make an erroneous turn, arrive at the wrong party and then kill everyone who’s already there.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

Do you know what color a peach is? Well, genius, that’s also the color of the hue called “Peach.” I had no idea what mauve was either, but then I did a magic trick involving a contraption called a dictionary and found out that it is a bluish-purple color. Anything else you'd like me to look up for you - cerulean, ochre?

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If it’s pretty, it will be purchased. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

We probably said “nothing” because you wouldn't have a clue as to how to help (most often that would be by listening.) Trust me, we're not fishing for understanding at a well that's been condemned.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

So how come when I (minus you) have to go somewhere, suddenly everything I wear is too revealing?

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

A man should possess enough brain matter and conversational skills to hold down a job and survive a parent-teacher conference. Other than that, I don't care what you're thinking and I don't mind not discussing whatever it is.

1. You have enough clothes.

You’ve had enough beer.

1. You have too many shoes.

You have too many ESPN channels.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

To each his own … The quicker you end up on dialysis, the quicker I can find someone new.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Awesome. Did you know we’re actually glad that you screw up so frequently because then we can have the bed to ourselves?