no offense

With all due respect to current, former and future hospitality industry workers, I think the custom of tipping is, in general, flawed. Not because good service doesn't warrant it, but because it is expected in all situations barring those in which your busser throws a glass of water in your face instead of setting it on the table.

A gratuity is defined as a gift of money over and above payment due for service, as to a food server or skycap (excepting those who work only for tips). Websites offering tips on tipping advise people to think about the work involved in making a really great martini, for instance. OK, I'm thinking about it. And I'm coming up with, I'm already paying $8 for a three-ounce beverage; doesn't the bar pay you an hourly wage? I have no problem tipping for a great drink, awesome service, etc. - but I don't like being made to feel like I have to tip you if you brought out an iced tea with no ice in it. A tip shouldn't say "Thanks for sort of doing your job." A tip should say, "That mojito rocked my world." Case in point - the advice that you should always tip based on the full price of your order, regardless of discounts, promotions, etc. Why? Because it took the server the same amount of work, regardless of how much you actually paid for it. So if I order a $25 meal I have to shell out $30, meaning essentially that I pay my server $5 for taking my order, bringing it to me, and taking the plate away when I'm done. Sorry, I thought that was what your employer paid you for. I tip the server $5 if he/she was friendly, courteous, unusually considerate, etc. If I get charged $7 for a nothing-and-Coke at some bar, I really have an issue with that tip, because I know it's no skin off your teeth to hold down the soda lever for three seconds. And I know it's probably not the bartender's fault I'm paying that much for a freaking soft drink, but he should at least understand that it's already an outrageous price.

If the government taxes such workers with the assumption that they receive a certain percentage of their take-home in tips, and if it is such an epic faux pas to not tip - regardless of the quality of service (I mean, your pizza could arrive stone cold and two hours late with the wrong toppings and some drivers are still going to bitch about you tipping them the change from a $20 bill on an $18.98 order) - then why is that 18-20 percent not automatically added to the price of the martini or the delivery fee or the baggage handling charge? Tipping is optional, but only in the strictest technical sense. You tip under 20 percent, you're a jerk. You tip under 15, there's a poster of you in the back with the caption, "Spit in this man's jambalaya." You don't tip at all, you're dead.

Sure, the server didn't cook my food, the server isn't the one who didn't wash this dish well enough, I know that. If only I could keep straight which establishments require the servers to tip out the bussers, hosts, bartenders and food runners. If only they'd post a sign or wear it on their nametag or include it in their intro: "Hi! I'm Joyce. I have to split my tips with everyone in the back, so if your food tastes moldy, please don't take it out on me. Would you like to hear our specials?" Personally I almost never decide the tip based on the food. If I don't like the food I ask nicely for it to be fixed or replaced. If it's cheerfully done and I don't see any suspicious white froth sitting on top when it's returned, the experience doesn't alter my tipping decision.

I once paid $30 ($25 + 20 percent) at the Brazilian barbecue ... regardless of the fact that I required no service whatsoever. All I ate were the vegetables from the buffet (it was Lent, okay? I'm not into starving myself.) No one had to hack a chop off a skewer for me, I don't think anyone even refilled my water. Yet, there was that pressure to tip 20 percent. Which I heartily resented. On the other hand, once, on a Napa wine tour we had to wait almost an hour for three burgers and some water. This was because the whole dang bus decided to eat at the same place. My fuming companions decided no gratuity was necessary, but it was obvious that it was no one's fault (except maybe ours, for choosing to eat there) so I left a tip. If the server had been a bitch, then I wouldn't have. But under the circumstances, she was awesome. So I'm not anti-tipping, I just resent that tipping, which is supposed to be optional and contingent on the quality of service, is actually very nearly mandatory, and still does not guarantee you'll get great or even passable service.

Just tack on the 18-20 percent and call it a service charge, because that's pretty much what it already is. See how many people want to eat at your restaurant when $45 buys them a plate of shrimp scampi and a snarl.