one more for the ex files

Try as I might to deny any Korean ancestry I carry, I can't seem to fully shake my hotheaded tendencies. It's not, by the way, that I am Korean and ashamed of it. It's that I was born in Korea, to parents of (I suppose) Korean blood, and was later adopted by Chinese parents. Since Chinese (and local) culture are all I know, the most Korean I am ever really exposed to is my in-laws'-to-be cooking and my FMIL's legendary temper. I have never seen her act anything but goofy, but S. claims she is scarier than any Chinese dragon lady you could imagine.

Anyway, I was thinking about this hotheadedness the other day when I came back from my run gross, sweaty and mildly peeved. I was relatively glib about running past the World's Angriest Man, but omitted the fact that WAM is my ex-boyfriend, the only ex I have no communication with, and that lately I have been noticing that this wide, wide circle we walk around each other is starting to get a little smaller and wondering if just maybe, face-to-face civility is next. Now, I was mildly peeved about the WAM killer face, but I was really pissed when I explained to my mom how much the WAM killer face really stunned me (considering that it has been almost two full years since we last exchanged words, and four and a half years since we broke up) and all she could say was, "Well, Cat, you really hurt him," and "Well, it's not like you stopped running and said hi to him."

There was no argument for either of these counts - although it can be pointed out that the last time I said hello to him, and granted it was a year ago or more, it was on my turf (my family still loves him to little bitty pieces so he comes round occasionally) and he totally, fully, absolutely ignored me. But the reason I blew up at my mom is because after 30 years of dealing with our differences, I still can't stand that even in matters of exes with killer faces she won't just get behind me and be a mommy once in awhile. Bring the hugs, you know? I'm sure she can't stand that after 30 years of dealing with me, I won't stop being me, either.

Anyway, I felt really stupid for being so upset that I yelled at my mom because 1) as Dan says, who runs around smiling about the birds in the trees? and 2) it really isn't like I stopped running and said hi to him. If I think two years of uncivility is enough, then I should be the one to stop running and say hi, and if I get nothing in return, then that's part of the bed I made when I picked this life and not the one with him, and it is a small price. Also, I felt really stupid when 3) my brother said tonight at dinner, "Did you run around the valley yesterday? WAM said he thought he saw you, but he wasn't sure if it was you because he doesn't run with his glasses on." Really stupid, did I mention?

Another incident (this afternoon) also got me thinking about the hotheadedness thing and how I need to just chill the hell out once in awhile, but I'm sure this post is long enough already. Some other day.