the horror

good god, i've started taking oprah winfrey seriously. i have never mocked her business sense, only her so-boundless-it's-gotta-be-fake energy. she LOVES IT ... y'know?

anyway, at the apart-time-job (not a typo) someone always leaves out a nice stash of 1) avon catablogs or magalogs or logazines or whatever they're called, 2) reader's digest, and 3) O magazine. since i have bought into dr. phil, i decided to give the ever-effervescent ms. winfrey a fair shake, too. can't remember what month it was, but in her final words for the issue, she advocated living life "full throttle" - physically, emotionally and spiritually. i used to live by that sentiment; i faintly remember it, too (god i miss college.) okay, i was nineteen then, but twenty-seven is NOT over the hill, and calcium supplements in the form of sour gummy bears are not going to keep me alive and bitching as long as i'd like to be.

oh, and here's something else: marriage is NOT the next natural step. my mom, who has never truly liked any of my boyfriends except for my most recent ex, has told me in so many words that it is now "time." i finished school and am gainfully employed, therefore it is "time." nevermind the fact that a union takes two ready, willing and able souls, and my own soul, all on its own, can barely be considered able.

today, as i walked to the workroom between classes, the thought of law school horrified me. some days it excites and motivates me, other days it confuses me; today it absolutely horrified me. what the fork could i possibly be thinking, setting myself up like this? being very generous to myself and assuming i win a treacherous admissions battle, i'd be in for another three years of reading, writing and reasoning on Others' Terms, from yet another ivory tower - could i stomach it? would i want to? ... and THE MOST horrifying thought i had - that i had this thought, and not the thought itself, is horrifying - "three more years of school? i'll NEVER get married and have a family at this rate!"

note 1: did i not just say it wasn't the next natural step anyway? of course i did. did i mean it? of course i think i did.

note 2: i certainly wouldn't want to get all involved with someone entering a three-year program that would probably leave him in debt up to his stress-wrinkled forehead.

note 3: wouldn't any children of mine just curse the faulty genes i'd pass onto them anyway? better to raise rottweilers and grow soybeans out back for the rest of my life.

oh yeah, full throttle. wholeness in solitude might be the best starter goal, n'est-ce pas?


PG said...

i certainly wouldn't want to get all involved with someone entering a three-year program that would probably leave him in debt up to his thinning hairline.

:-) And yet, it happens. Who knows, you might meet the soul to be the other half of the union in law school. Or maybe you'll meet someone but you'll end up wandering in different directions after graduation. But I hope you won't let your decisions right now be guided by a non-existent husband who might disapprove.

damned_cat said...

sound. thanks for your comments. :)